http://www.tobacco.org/newsfeed/category/humor.rss Latest top tobacco news headlines en-us http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-overturns-right-v-wrong,27077/ http://tobacco.org/news/332485.html Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong. The landmark reversal—a bitterly contested 5-4 decision that has been widely praised by murderers, rapists, bigots, usurers, and pro-wrong advocates nationwide—nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges. "It is the opinion of this court that the Constitution was crafted in such a manner as to uphold and encourage practices that are not right and, ideally, are very wrong," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote for the majority, which also in­cluded Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy, and John Roberts. "Despite the compelling case for goodness, truth, and justice made by our predecessors in the case of Right v. Wrong, we firmly believe that malice, dishonesty, and injustice were the framers' original intent." . . . Justice Stephen Breyer chose to read his dissenting opinion aloud before the court, a rare gesture apparently aimed at expressing the full measure of his disgust with the verdict. "The court needs to overturn this ruling immediately because, simply put, it's the right thing to do," said the associate justice, who, along with his colleagues joining him in the minority, was then arrested by Capitol Police, placed into custody, and is currently awaiting trial. The Onion Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMT http://mobile.theonion.com/articles/stop-smoking-tips,8080/ http://tobacco.org/news/332264.html Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit. Stop Smoking Tips * Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake. * Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors. * Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes. The Onion Wed, 23 Feb 2000 05:00:00 GMT http://www.theonion.com/articles/philip-morris-introduces-new-marlboro-sinus-pm-cig,27017/?mid=57 http://tobacco.org/news/332115.html At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. "Marlboro Sinus PM uses the power of acrid tobacco smoke to restore and rejuvenate," Philip Morris president William Gifford said. "Just inhale two cigarettes right before bedtime and the medicated tar goes to work by coating your mucus and packing it down deep inside your lungs. You'll wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and ready for a smoke." The Onion Sun, 15 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMT http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/08/snl-chantix-parody-side-effects_n_1192612.html http://tobacco.org/news/331884.html Once again, "SNL" turned in a winning commercial parody on Saturday, this time taking on the over ripe target of pharmaceutical side effects. Giving up smoking is a healthy choice for you and your loved ones, but be careful which method you choose to help you quit. You could be unknowingly endangering the lives of those closest to you. Huffington Post comedytips@huffingtonpost.com Sun, 08 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haAvsmHbQz0 http://tobacco.org/news/331700.html You Tube Sun, 08 Jan 2012 05:00:00 GMT http://www.hawaiireporter.com/charleyworld-consumers-to-get-the-picture-on-the-dangers-of-cigarettes-and-who-knows-what-else/123 http://tobacco.org/news/329948.html It was a drizzly morning in Honolulu’s Chinatown when I ducked into a rundown mom and pop store to pick up a pack of cancer sticks. “Marlboros,” I said to the old man behind the counter. “What kine?” he said. “Da one wit’ da black, seeping lungs or da buggah who stay smoking through da hole in his neck?” “The ‘Lites’,” I said. “The pack with the dead dude on it.” . . . I ordered a Coors – the one with the elk hunter in Colorado accidentally blowing his head off with his shotgun – and a three fingers of Maker’s Mark bourbon which came in a shot glass with a photo of a diseased liver that looked like a punctured football. I could hear the rain start again outside as we clinked our drinks together. “It’s a wonderful life!” he said. “Yeah,” I said. “Even though nobody gets outta here alive.” Hawaii Reporter cmemminger@hawaii.rr.com (CHARLES MEMMINGER) Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:00:00 GMT http://blogs.indystar.com/varvelblog/2011/11/16/smoking-ban/ http://tobacco.org/news/329014.html Bartender, reading a newspaper with headline, "SMOKE-FREE BARS?" while a customer attached to an oxygen tank smokes heavily, near ashtrays full of butts: "This could be UNHEALTHY for business" When I started in working here in 1978, the newsroom was smoke-filled and although I've never smoked, my clothes reeked of tobacco each day. Several years later, our office, like so many others, became smokeless. Nowadays, I can't image what it would be like to work in a smokey environment. In our story today, the owner of  the Chatterbox Jazz Club, said he tried to ban smoking in his establishment some time ago and it was a "disaster." So after almost 30 years of second-hand smoking, he would love to see a ban. Indianapolis Star blogs gary.varvel@indystar.com (Gary Varvel | The Indianapolis Star ) Wed, 16 Nov 2011 05:00:00 GMT http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/10/29/herman-cain-smoking-huntsman-daughters-spoof-and-more-parodies.html http://tobacco.org/news/328085.html You thought it couldn’t have gotten any better after Herman Cain’s pizza jam, but the candidate’s new ad—complete with the Tea Party tunes, the intense close-ups of Cain’s campaign chief of staff, Mark Block, and, of course, the infamous cigarette—is even more ripe for parody. From Jon Huntsman’s smokin’ girls to Conan’s gateway drug and Stephen Colbert’s smoking gun, WATCH VIDEO of the six best parodies of Cain’s campaign ad. The Daily Beast Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/10/comedians-blow-smoke-at-herman-cains-ad/ http://tobacco.org/news/328020.html Several late night hosts jumped on the opportunity to make a parody of Cain's ad, including Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman. Jay Leno did not mock the ad as he was joined by President Obama on Tuesday night. Each of their spoofs has a similar punch line, featuring miscellaneous Cain staffers partaking various absurd activities. Conan O'Brien presented two alternate versions of the ad, replacing Block with an anonymous Cain supporter who drinks tequila and smokes a bong. David Letterman's ad parody was similar to O'Brien's, showing another Cain staffer in Block's place eating a large bowl of spaghetti. Colbert's spoofs replaced Block's cigarette break with a man drinking from a whiskey bottle, a woman huffing paint and Cain's "accountant" pretending to shoot himself in the head. Colbert also poked fun at Cain's slow-motion smile at the end of the video and challenged Cain to a "slow-smile contest," all while holding a cigarette in his hand. ABC News Wed, 26 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umpF1wvU2A4 http://tobacco.org/news/328016.html You Tube Thu, 27 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://www.theonion.com/articles/fda-approves-putting-picture-of-trish-on-cigarette,26451/ http://tobacco.org/news/327999.html In an effort to accurately portray the risks of smoking tobacco, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved rules Wednesday that will require all cigarette packaging to bear a large warning label featuring a graphic image of Trish. FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg told reporters the new labeling, which depicts the face of 32-year-old chain-smoker Trish and will be mandatory as of Feb. 1, 2012, is part of an ongoing campaign to inform Americans about the gruesome consequences of smoking tobacco. "We believe displaying a photo of Trish on every pack of cigarettes sold will help discourage young people from starting this deadly habit and also motivate current smokers to quit," Hamburg said. "I'm certain Americans of all ages will instantly understand the devastating repercussions of tobacco use after confronting the picture of Trish at a bar gesturing with a cigarette and cackling hoarsely." "What if that were you or someone you cared about?" Hamburg added. "It really shows the ruinous impact that smoking can have on your life." Representing the largest health initiative launched by the FDA in recent years, the new warning label will also include a single line of text: "Cigarettes caused Trish." The Onion Wed, 26 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/400682/october-25-2011/herman-cain-s-campaign-ad?xrs=eml_col http://tobacco.org/news/327989.html Colbert Nation Tue, 25 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/16/snl-suggests-what-the-mayor-might-say-about-protesters/?scp=1&sq=cigarette&st=nyt http://tobacco.org/news/327878.html Portrayed by Fred Armisen, the faux-mayor gave a mock televised address, delivered in a nasal, Massachusetts accent and with the mayor’s typically flat intonation. . . . He closed by telling Occupy Wall Street that “I’m on your side” and promising that the protesters would be treated with dignity and respect — with, he noted, “one caveat”: “The second — and I mean the second — I see a demonstrator lighting up a cigarette, we’re moving in. The batons will come out, and the badge numbers will come off. And if you think I’m joking, go ahead, make my day.” New York Times Blogs haberman@nytimes.com (KATE TAYLOR) Sun, 16 Oct 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://gizmodo.com/5830049/why-i-would-rather-be-a-smoker-than-an-iphone-user?tag=top http://tobacco.org/news/324758.html Why smoking is better than the smartphone I've yet to take up the habit, but I've started to consider some of the reasons why smoking might just be better for me than using a smartphone (if smoking wouldn't kill you and caused all kind of bad things): • Cigarettes could help me better interact with people. I can carry on a conversation while smoking. I'd be forced to occasionally interact with others. "Excuse me, do you have a light?" I'm guessing more love connections have been made with those words than through OKCupid. Though maybe not for much longer. . . . • It's too early to come to any firm conclusion regarding the health effects of using cell phones. Illnesses caused by smoking, on the other hand, are well understood. There's a richer library of information on the effects of cigarettes. I'm thinking there's a better chance at helping people suffering from smoking-related maladies than to aid those dealing with unknown monsters like phone-induced brain cancer or Angry Birds Addiction. • Cigarettes are less taxing on your hands. I didn't even realize how much my thumbs were hurting from many months of iPhone emailing and texting until I gave up the habit. • It is way sexier to light up a cigarette after sex then to light up a smart phone. Especially when there is a passcode involved. I know more people who have successfully given up cigarettes than have given up using a smart phone. Gizmodo Fri, 12 Aug 2011 04:00:00 GMT http://www.uab.edu/news/latest/item/1437-comedian-ren%C3%A9-hicks-coming-to-uab-to-entertain-talk-about-secondhand-smoke http://tobacco.org/news/323417.html UAB Employee Wellness and the UAB School of Nursing are partnering with SmokeFree Alabama to bring a free lunch and learn event featuring internationally known comedian René Hicks to UAB Highlands from 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Wednesday, July 20, 2011. In the world of comedy, the highest compliment paid to a comic is the phrase “you killed.” Hicks is accustomed to this high form of praise, but didn’t consider that secondhand smoke exposure in the venues where she performed was killing her. Now, this cancer survivor and advocate is coming to UAB to tell her story. University of Alabama at Birmingham jpark@uab.edu (Jennifer Lollar) Thu, 14 Jul 2011 04:00:00 GMT