Jump to full article: The Onion, 2009-02-27
Intro: A spokesperson for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives announced Tuesday that the agency has intensified its manhunt for an individual suspected of bumming more than 75,000 cigarettes nationwide.
ATF agents, who have tracked the elusive cigarette moocher for nearly four years, claimed they could be just days away from apprehending the "single greatest threat" to American smokers. . . .
Agents investigating the site of the most recent bumming believe the fugitive may have struck four times in one night.
"Mark my words," Thompson continued. "His days of annoying the living crap out of smokers everywhere will soon be over."
Representing the largest investigation in ATF history, the nationwide dragnet has nearly exhausted the agency's resources . . .
A break in the case this morning nearly netted the notorious moocher, but officials reportedly let the fugitive slip away when he approached several officers during their smoke break, asked for a cigarette, and quietly went on his way.
Jump to full article » |