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Jump to full article: The Onion, 2006-10-04
Author: Kurt Schwantz

Intro:

  • New 'Small 'n' Flaccid' Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever

  • Tobacco Companies Ordered To Pay Reparations Of $800 Billion In Camel Cash

  • Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms Reaches Trade Agreement With Food & Drug Administration

  • 'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

  • Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

  • Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit

  • Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

  • Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

  • Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

  • Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt

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