Vaclav Havel, Jan Strasky, Dr. Pavel Pafko & Philip Morris: A Curious Case of Lung Cancer--A Play in Three Acts.
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THE CURIOUS CASE OF CANCER AT THE (PRAGUE) KREMLIN
A play in three acts based on the lies of a true story
by Playwright/President Vaclav "The Moral Authority" Havel
CAST:
- Playwright/President/Patient Vaclav "It's only a little dot" Havel
[the most popular leader in post-Communist Europe; revered for his integrity]
- Dr. Pavel "It's only a bad cold, unrelated to his chain smoking" Pafko
[lung cancer specialist on loan from the (Moscow) Kremlin and
(apparently) under contract to Philip Morris Cos., maker of
Marlboro and monopolist in Czech cigarette production]
- Minister of Health Jan "Can I offer you another cigarette?" Strasky
[Czech MoH, most concerned about the financial health of Philip Morris in the Czech Republic]
Act 1
<<Synopsis>>
Setting: Havel's pre-operation public radio address from his hospital room.
Key lines: Havel: The surgery "should remove a ... dot that has been found on my lungs."
"... even if it is something bad, it's so small and so favorably
located that it seems there's no major danger. . . "
Act 2
<<Synopsis>>
Setting: Pre-operation visit from fellow former-opposition-and-now-establishment
leader Jan Strasky in Havel's hospital room.
Key lines: Strasky: "Can I offer you another cigarette, Vasha?"
Havel: "Do you think it's a good idea... I mean, here? It's not
the rules I'm worried about, but I still have flashbacks to the
time I set off the fire alarm at that nuclear power plant by
lighting up on the premises. That was a hell of an alarm system!"
Strasky: "Don't be silly. There are no rules or smoke alarms
around here. I run this place, remember?"
Havel: "Oh, that's right. I know I appointed you, but I
just can't get it through my head that one of my ol' drinkin'
buddies is now supposed to be the personification of
public health in this country."
Strasky: "Yeah, wonderful world, ain't it? Good thing some
of our best doctors don't know any more about public health than I
do, or I'd have a tough time explaining some of our policies."
Havel: (inhaling deeply) "Thanks, Janko. I sure hope I can
return the favor sometime... uh,... not that I ever expect
the Minister of Health to be in my position. That would really be
hard to explain to the public.
The two go on to reaffirm their belief that tobacco control legislation
would hurt the Czech economy. No mention is made of the public funds being
spent to pay for Havel's treatment, which of course is the most expensive
available in the Czech Republic.
Act 3
<<Synopsis>>
Setting: Dr. Pafko's post-operation press conference from the hospital.
Key lines: Pafko: "We have successfully removed the dot from the right
lung. It was a rather unusual dot, however, roughly
half an inch in size and malignant, so we went ahead and
removed half the lung as well."
"I would like to repeat that the development of the dot was in no
way related to the playwright/president/patient's 45 years of chain smoking."
[Whispers to an orderly] "Hmmmm. That tactic always used to work
in Moscow, but these Czech reporters seem reluctant to accept my
answers. Take this phone number, go call Philip Morris and tell
them I need help. They have a special media blitz on reserve for
emergencies like this one. Tell them to implement "Operation
Half-a-Lung-is-Better-Than-None" as soon as possible. Hurry!"
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My first (and last?) attempt at a play.
Torun, Poland
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